Avenue A
by Doorhinge
Summary: Just a weird idea I had...Avenue Q songs will lyrics that follow the RENT plot. See if you can follow this!
1. Song 1: The Avenue A Theme

ALL: Doo do doo…(ba da ba…) Doo do doo…(ba da ba…) Whoa! The snow is falling on this Christmas Eve day…

ANGEL: A perfect season for a street drummer to play…

BENNY: But you've got lots of rent to pay.

MARK, ROGER: What can we say?

MARK: Before, Benny told us that the pay's real low…

ROGER: But now it seems there's a lot we owe…

COLLINS: And Santa Fe costs too much. So where else to go…

ALL: …but home to Avenue A, you live on Avenue A every single day. It doesn't matter if you're straight or gay…you live on Avenue A. You live on Avenue A. We live on Avenue A!


	2. Song 2: WDYDWAPUC, It Sucks to be Me

**Song #2: What Do You Do With a Poor, Unlit Candle?/It Sucks to be Me**

MIMI: What do you do with a poor, unlit candle…and no working matches, as well? Our apartment's lost power 'cause Benny's so sour, and now I'm pretty cold, can't you tell? I can't pay the rent yet. My money? I spent it! Why didn't I buy a matchbox? Well, this guy had better hurry, 'cause I think all my worries are over in three little knocks!

MARK: Morning, Roger!  
ROGER: Hi, Mark Cohen.

MARK: How's life?

ROGER: Disappointing.

MARK: What's the matter?

ROGER: My girlfriend April cut herself.

MARK: Oh, I'm sorry!

ROGER: Yeah, me too! I mean, look at me! I'm almost out of college and I always thought…

MARK: What?

ROGER: Naw, it sounds STUPID.

MARK: Aww come on…

ROGER: When I was little I thought I would be…

MARK: What?

ROGER: Married to April when I turned 23!

MARK: Oh…

ROGER: But now I'm almost that age and as you can see, I can't!

MARK: Why not?

ROGER: She's dead!

MARK: Oh yeah…

ROGER: It sucks to be me!  
MARK: No.

ROGER: It sucks to be me!

MARK: No!

ROGER: It sucks to be a songwriter who's diagnosed with HIV…it sucks to be me!

MARK: You think YOUR life sucks?  
ROGER: I think so…

MARK: Your problems aren't so bad…Maureen's so pretty, and pretty damn smart.

ROGER: She is.

MARK: Shush! I've stood beside her in the performing arts! But now she dumped me, and she's given her heart to a lawyer named Joanne! Man, it sucks to be me!

ROGER: Me, too!

MARK: It sucks to be me!

ROGER: It sucks to be me! It sucks to be Roger…

MARK: …and Mark…

ROGER: I'm stuck fighting AIDS…

MARK: I'm still in the dark!

MARK, ROGER: It sucks to be me!

JOANNE: You were flirting with a woman in rubber.

MAUREEN: There will always be women in rubber flirting with me!

ROGER: Hey Maureen, Joanne, can you settle something for us, do u have a second?

MAUREEN, JOANNE: Sure.

MARK: Who's life sucks more, Roger's or mine?

MAUREEN, JOANNE: OURS!

JOANNE: We're both together…

MAUREEN: We're close as females can get.

JOANNE: I knew there was something special…

MAUREEN: Ever since the day we met!

JOANNE: And now she thinks it's her job to make me really upset! Oh, she's the QUEEN when it comes to flirting!

MAUREEN: Come on, that isn't the right wording!

JOANNE: When we pass girls, you turn and play with their hair.

MAUREEN: Oh, yeah? Well, you don't exactly HELP by giving me that evil glare!

JOANNE: Maureen, there's one small thing that I'd like to share…YOU'RE A BITCH!

MAUREEN: So are you! That's why I'm bitchy, too!

JOANNE: It sucks to be me!

MAUREEN: No, it sucks to be me!

ROGER: It sucks to be me…

MARK: It sucks to be me!

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE: Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me?

ALL FOUR SIMOTANIOUSLY: Da, da, da, da, da, da…

COLLINS: Merry Christmas, bitches! Why are you all so happy?

MAUREEN: 'Cause our lives suck!

COLLINS: YOUR lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly? HAH! I came to this neighborhood, 'cause NYU seemed neat. One day a couple of rich kids came and mugged me on the street! Here, a gay guy isn't who you would like to meet, and I'm gay. So these people just mugged me, and took all my money. And I don't even HAVE a fiancé! And I've got lots of rent to pay! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! I say, it sucks…oh man, it sucks…damn straight it sucks, sucks, sucks! It sucks to be me!

MIMI: Um, excuse me…don't mean to bother you but…I need someone to light my candle…

COLLINS: I should probably go now…

MIMI: Do you happen to have a match?

ROGER: Now's not a good time. Come back later.

MIMI: Okay…I guess…

ROGER: I'm really sorry!

ANGEL: While you're waiting, how about you listen to some amazing street drumming?  
MIMI: Oh my god! IT'S ANGEL!!

ANGEL: Yes I am! I'm Angel Schunard, and I don't mean to brag…but I'm the sexiest street drummer. Unfortunately, I'm a fag. I thought the best way to cover this up was to go drag, but it didn't…and I still need a man, too!

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE, COLLINS, MIMI: It sucks to be you!

MARK: You win.

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE, COLLINS, MIMI: It sucks to be you!

ROGER: I feel better now!

ANGEL: Try having people stopping you only to say, "Darling, be a dear, haven't slept in a year…" Oh, and to top THAT all off…

ANGEL, COLLINS: It sucks to be gay on Avenue A!

MAUREEN, JOANNE, MIMI, ANGEL: Sucks to be me!

ROGER, MARK, COLLINS: On Avenue A…

MAUREEN, JOANNE, MIMI, ANGEL: Sucks to be you!

ROGER, MARK, COLLINS: On Avenue A…

MAUREEN, JOANNE, MIMI, ANGEL: Sucks to be us…

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE, COLLINS, MIMI: But not when we're together we're together here on Avenue A, we live on Avenue A and we know the way. There's not much more to say but we live on Avenue A.

MIMI: You seem real nice!

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE, COLLINS, MIMI: We live on Avenue A.

MAUREEN: You learn to love em'.

ROGER, MARK, MAUREEN, JOANNE, COLLINS, MIMI: We live on Avenue A.

ANGEL: (to Collins) Hey, you're cute.

ROGER, MARK: Welcome to both of our loft!


	3. Song 3: If I was bi

JOANNE: Ahh…an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "100 Reason Girls can be Lawyers". No lesbian lover to bother me. How can it get any better than this?  
MAUREEN: Hey, Pookie!

JOANNE: Hello Maureen…

MAUREEN: Pookie, you will NEVER believe what happened to me on the Subway this morning. This guy was smiling and talking to me…

JOANNE: Oh, that's very interesting.

MAUREEN: Yep! I think he was coming onto me! I think he might've thought I was STRAIGHT!

JOANNE: Well…um…why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. Did you eat? Don't change the subject Maureen…

MAUREEN: Well you don't have to get all defensive!

JOANNE: Defensive?? I just want to know why you're telling me about your encounter with a guy!

MAUREEN: Well okay, but Joanne…there's something I think we need to talk about.

JOANNE: Okay, what?

MAUREEN: Well, Joanne, just so you know…(sung) If I was bi…

JOANNE: Which IS a lie…

MAUREEN: I know, but I was flirting with this guy. Every guy I see always stares at me. And I turn and say hi…

JOANNE: But you're not bi…

MAUREEN: Right, I'm not bi.

JOANNE: (spoken)Maureen, please, I'm trying to read! You're not getting back with Mark are you…

MAUREEN: (sung) If I was straight…

JOANNE: Which I would HATE…

MAUREEN: It would be great to ask a man on a date…

JOANNE: But I know that you wouldn't leave me to believe an awful lie, like that you're bi!

MAUREEN: But I'm NOT bi! I'm happy just being with you.

JOANNE: So why should it matter to me what you do with other guys?

MAUREEN: (spoken) Exactly! (sung) If I took Mark out to the park and in the dark I felt something spark…

JOANNE: Which isn't true…because I know you! That's something you might do…

MAUREEN: That's something I DID do!

JOANNE: So that must mean it's true…you liar, you!

MAUREEN: I made out with a guy, I'm bi!

JOANNE: You are not bi!

MAUREEN: If I WAS bi…

JOANNE: AHH!


	4. Song 4: Glory

ROGER: (tries to pluck out a tune on his guitar, but fails) (sung) Glory, it's that eternal flame that lights a fire on your guitar…glory, it helps you write a song. It seems so near, yet it seems so far…everyone else has their glory, so where's mine? (spoken) Hey wait…that Mimi girl…she had the sexiest eyes! (sung) It's a sign! Hah! Bababababa doodoodoodoodoo…I don't know how I know but I'm gonna find my glory. I don't know how I'm gonna start, but I'm gonna write my one song. Gotta forget about all my faults and write a tune that reminds us of Musetta's Waltz! Gonna write my one song glory before my life halts.

MOVING GUITAR PICKS: He's gonna find his glory!

ROGER: Where to begin? I don't know where! Let's hope that this one doesn't last all year…

MOVING GUITAR PICKS: Not again…

ROGER: Add a job…writing songs…oh god, this is taking too long…

MOVING GUITAR PICKS: Yes it is…

ROGER: Could it be? Yes it could! Something's coming, something good…

MOVING GUITAR PICKS: You're gonna find your one song!

ROGER: Yeah, I'm gonna find my one song…what should I call it? What will it be? How long will it be? The result of my glory's a mystery…

MOVING GUITAR PICKS: Glory is a mystery…

ROGER: Gotta write my one song…about Mimi. I'm gonna write my one song glory, glory, glory, yeah! About Mimi. (plucks the tune out again and again it fails)


	5. Song 5: Everyone's a Little Bit Bohemian

MARK: Say, Roger, can I ask you a question?

ROGER: Sure.

MARK: Well, you know Mimi Marquez downstairs? Well she has AIDS, and you have AIDS. Are you two related?

ROGER: Mark, that is probably the stupidest thing you have EVER said.

MARK: Well I'm sorry, I was just asking!

ROGER: Well, it's a touchy subject. No, not all people with AIDS are related. What are you trying to say, huh, that we all LOOK THE SAME to you?

MARK: No, not at all…yeah, sorry, I guess that WAS a little stupid. But I'm just saying, (sung) She's a little bit HIV+, and you're a little bit too.

ROGER: So we're both a little bit HIV+. What part of that doesn't make sense to you?

MARK: But she has it, too, and so do you…

ROGER: But Mark, everyone's a little bit HIV+, you see. Everyone's a little bit HIV+ like me. Just because me and Mimi both need to take AZT, lots of other people need it too.

MARK: I think I'm beginning to understand you. (spoken) Okay, now stop me if you've heard this one. There's a plane going down. There's only one parachute. There's a rabbi, a priest…

ROGER: AND A LANDLORD!!!!

BENNY: Whatcha talkin' bout, Roger?

ROGER: Umm…nothing…

BENNY: You were telling a landlord joke!

MARK: Well sure, Benny, but everyone makes stereotypes about landlords being bitchy.

BENNY: I don't.

MARK: Well of course YOU don't, you're a bitchy landlord! But I bet you tell Bohemian jokes, right?

BENNY: Well, sure I do! Those stupid Bohemians…

MARK: Hahaha, you see? (sung) You're a little bit bitchy…  
BENNY: Well you're a little bit, too!

ROGER: How the fuck am I bitchy just because my yearly rent is overdue?

BENNY: You're lucky you weren't evicted, too! Everyone's a little bit bitchy, alright?

ROGER: I suppose I am just a little uptight…

BENNY: You guys, Collins, even Maureen all are at least somewhat mean.

MARK: I agree with that, without a doubt.

BENNY: Boy, am I glad that I moved out!

MARK, ROGER: HEY!

BENNY: (spoken) Now there was a fine upstanding landlord.

ROGER: Who?

BENNY: Jesus Christ.

MARK: But Benny, Jesus was a filmmaker.

ROGER: No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was a song writer…

BENNY: Guys, guys! Jesus was a STRIPPER! (all three of them laugh)

MIMI: Hey, guys, what are you laughing about?

MARK: Nothing…

MIMI'S MOM: Mimi chica, donde estás?

BENNY: What's that mean?

MIMI: I don't even know… (Mark, Roger and Benny laugh again) Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?

JOANNE: (entering with Maureen) MAUREEN, YOU MOTHER FING SON OF A B!!!! (the two of them automatically start making out)

MIMI: Now THAT you can laugh at.  
BENNY: Yeah, seeing too people of the same gender making out is always hilarious.

(Angel and Collins come on, making out)

ANGEL, COLLINS: What did you say?

ANGEL, COLLINS, MAUREEN, JOANNE: (sung) Everyone's a little bit homo…

ROGER, MIMI, MARK, BENNY: I'm not!

ANGEL: Oh no?

MARK: Nope.

COLLINS: Hah!

MIMI: How many Mexican moms have you got?

MIMI'S MOM: Que? MIMI!!!

ANGEL: Roger, Markie, where've you been? The term is called "Bohemian".

ANGEL, COLLINS: In New York there are gays…

JOANNE: …and lesbians…

MAUREEN: …and bi's! Can I help it guys and girls both love my thighs?

MIMI: (spoken) Roger, I love you.

ROGER: And I love you.

MARK: Benny, are you Bohemian too?

BENNY: Yeah, I am. (sung) I don't make that much money…

MAUREEN: And I don't have that much power.

ROGER: But I'm always sitting down in one position hour after hour.

ANGEL: Me, too!

JOANNE: Me too!

SQUEEGEE MAN: I can't even afford to sit down!

ALL: Everyone's a little bit Bohemian, all of them. Life wouldn't be complete without La Vie Boheme. Full of eviction, full of strife. When you're a New Yorker, fear's you're life. And if all our money was less spent, maybe we could pay for last year's rent!

MIMI'S MOM¡Cada uno' S.A. poco pedacito bohemio!


	6. Song 6: The Internet is 4 Actual Reality

ANGEL: You teach?

COLLINS: Yeah, I teach. Computer age philosophy. And this is my classroom.

ANGEL: Cool! Hey, do you think I could teach the class? Just for today?

COLLINS: Go ahead. I need a break, anyway.

ANGEL: Finally! I get to teach a WHOLE lesson all by myself! And I'm gonna teach something relevant. Something modern…the internet! (sung) The internet is really, really great…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: Huh? There's always a new site…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: You can browse all day and night…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: It's like you're surfing at the speed of light…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: Collins! What are you doing?

COLLINS: The internet is for actual reality. The internet is for actual reality. Act up, fight AIDS! That, you see, is actual, actual reality!

ANGEL: (spoken) COLLINS!!

COLLINS: Oh, hey there Angel!  
ANGEL: You're ruining my song!

COLLINS: Can I have your coat?

ANGEL: Take it.

COLLINS: Are you serious?

ANGEL: Sure, I don't care. (sung) I'm glad we have this new technology…

COLLINS: For actual reality!

ANGEL: Which gives us untold opportunity…

COLLINS: For actual…um…

ANGEL: Right from your own desktop…

COLLINS: For…

ANGEL: You can research browse and shop until you've had enough and you're ready to stop…

COLLINS: FOR ACTUAL REALITY!

ANGEL: I'm cold…

COLLINS: The internet is for actual reality…

ANGEL: Noooo…Collins!

COLLINS: The internet is for actual reality! This, Angel, is my theory of actual, actual reality!

ANGEL: (spoken) I'm cold…I want my coat back!  
COLLINS: Get a sweater.

ANGEL: No really, I want my coat back. Anyway, normal people don't go around telling people to fight AIDS!

COLLINS: Oh really? You have no idea! Ready, normal people?

ROGER: Ready!

MARK: Ready!

BENNY: Ready…?

COLLINS: Lemme hear it!

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: The internet is for actual reality!

ROGER: Sorry Angel…

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: The internet is for actual reality!

ROGER: What rhymes with Angel?!  
COLLINS: Please, NYU, don't expire me for actual, actual reality!

ANGEL: How did these people even get here?

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: Actual, actual…

ANGEL: (spoken) Wait a second! Roger, I thought you HATED Collins!

ROGER: I don't hate him, I just hate the way he thinks.

ANGEL: Mark, you don't even have AIDS!

MARK: That's what YOU think…

ANGEL: And Benny…Benny, why the hell are you here?

BENNY: I have nothing better to do with my life, okay?

COLLINS: But Angel, don't you they support actual reality ANYWAY?

ANGEL: I don't know…look, I'm STILL cold!

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: (sung) The internet is for actual reality!

ANGEL: Freezing my ass off here…I hate men! Give me my coat back! Oh, I hate this coat! I'm outta here!

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: The internet is for actual reality!

COLLINS: Say it with me, 1, 2, 3…

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK, BENNY: Actual, actual reality! Actual, actual, reality! Actual, actual…The internet is for, internet is for, internet is for actual reality!

COLLINS: Angel…?


End file.
